Control... or lack thereof.

So last night we had a lovely girls night, and for a short while Maggie, Marcy, and I found ourselves laying about the living room talking about the concept of control. What we realized was that everything is all wrong.

All the while you're growing up, you're being taught (whether intentionally or not) to believe that when you're an adult, you will have control in your life. My life as a teacher in a classroom of toddler revolves around avoiding power struggles by giving them control. Over small things, mind you... Do you want to sit in a blue chair or a red chair, should we sing 5 little monkeys or 5 little ducks, etc, but still, giving them control. Throughout your childhood you have very little control over your environment. The adults around you remind you that when you're all grown up, you can make the calls. All your life you look forward to being all grown up and having that control over your life.

You enter grown-up life, whatever that is for you. For those of us present last night, it's post-college life. No longer is it acceptable to eat ramen 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. No longer can you invite all your friends over on a whim that very night and have them all show up and party with you. No, now, you have to give them a week's notice and hope that they won't be too exhausted by their work week by the time you get to that night. But why? Why are we so exhausted by 40 hour work weeks on (at least fairly) regular schedules when we had all the energy in the world taking 15-18 credits a semester and working (at least) part time and writing 5 papers a week? When we were doing that we could stay up til 3 am and wake up at 8 am and get through the day no problem, but now we work 8 hours and come home and eat dinner and veg in front of the TV until 9 o'clock bedtime. What happened to us?

I think what happened to us is that we are under the illusion that now that we are living adult lives, we are in control. But really... we aren't. The vast majority of things we encounter on a daily basis are out of our control. We're exhausted from trying to control things that we can't possibly control, from convincing ourselves that we can, from trying to find ways that we can, and from exercising extra control over the things that we can concretely see. I can control what time I go to bed. I can control what I eat for breakfast. I can't control what the traffic will be like on my way to work, I can't control the 80 year old man in front of me or the state cop behind me the whole way out to Foster. I can't control whether the children in my class slept well last night and ate balanced breakfasts. I can't control the moods of my coworkers, I can't control the speed with which lunch gets prepared, I can't control the bowel movements of two year olds or the abilities of diapers to contain them. I can't control the weather to allow us to get outside. I can't control what time parents arrive to pick up their children. I can't control the traffic on the ride home. I can control how I react to all these things, but that's it. If I don't love my situation, I can try to change it, but even that I have limited control over. I can apply for new jobs, I can dress to impress for my interview and know my facts inside and out, but if another applicant is twice as qualified as me... I can't control that. I just have to accept it. I can't control how other people feel about me. I can influence it, but I can't do it. I can't control the way other people spend their time to conform to how I want to spend it with them. I can influence it, but that's it.

ALMOST EVERYTHING IS OUT OF MY CONTROL. And the same goes for you.

It's terrifying.

It's also liberating and exhilarating.

New life goal: Just Let Go.