Last time I wrote, I was concerned about how selective my critical thinking was.
Now I can't turn it off.
I am questioning everything. Over and over and through and through, I am tearing apart every element of my life, past present and future. It's potentially getting to unhealthy levels.
My application for the Roadie Position with Invisible Children should be arriving in San Diego any day now, and the only way I can describe the feeling is this: Remember when you were a kid and you broke a rule while your parents were out? You'd sit there and know- you were safe until they come home, but as soon as they did... it was over. You'd have to face the wrath. It was that feeling of anticipation- knowing that for a certain amount of time, you didn't have to worry, because there was nothing that could be done one way or another. You didn't have to get all worried, because nothing was going to change what was about to happen... and still, you felt a certain uncalm. The end was near, in some way. That's how I feel about this application. Until they get it, I can totally get this job. But once they get it, they have the power to turn me down. I'm not saying that I think they definitely will or that I don't think I stand a chance... it's more that I want this more than anything-- and the fact that I have no power over it anymore scares the heck out of me. I'm vulnerable and exposed. And waiting. Waiting for a verdict that I feel somehow, someway... has already been released, and I just get to wait. It seems cruel when I think about it that way.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
a little venting, if you will allow it
O Future, why must you be so annoyingly upon me?
With so much time to think about it (i.e. having related real-life experiences and internships as well as more opportunity for meaningful conversation about my goals, instead of just classroom time, homework, and day-to-day chatter) I realize I'm really no further along in deciding what happens to me in September of this year than I was years ago. This frustrates me to no end.
Sure, I believe that everything is grace and that things will work out if I let them, but I'm still somehow not ready to let go a bit and relax and trust that what I want to come to me will. I think I'm also a bit afraid that once I manage to do so, if I do, I won't recognize the opportunity when it comes. I certainly didn't recognize my Girl Scout internship for all that it is at the time when I signed on to it. For me it was just a way to get the final requirement for graduation and I also happened to like working with kids and thought working in the inner city would be a good growth experience for me. But there were so many things I didn't think about- enough that had it not been for the necessity of having an internship, I'm quite sure I would have passed it up. What other opportunities have I passed up? Might I pass up simply from not being able to think as critically as I am able? Why is my critical thinking so selective these days?
The more I think about it, the more I concede to the Peace Corps being a great option for me, but maybe not right now. There's a large companionship piece that would be missing for me. Three months, fine. But two years I worry might break me, at least at this point in my life. I'd need some sort of companionship. Being so far away from everything and everyone I know would create such a huge emptiness in me. Perhaps Peace Corps would be a better option post-marriage... then you have to go together. Of course, that assumes not only that the man I end up married to has these key interests in common with me (which is not too much of a stretch) but also that he would be okay with/eager to spend a couple years abroad doing development work (which is maybe more of a stretch).
It's not that I don't think I'd build relationships while overseas, I nearly certainly would--but any that did arise would be limited in many ways. First the time limitation- in two years, it ends... at least in terms of the concrete. But I don't think that would be the biggest problem for me- it has been something I can work through with *relative* ease in the past. I think the biggest issues would be the differences in... everything. History. Future. Knowing all the things I have, all the opportunities before me, all the wonderful experiences in my past. While somebody in the developed world would have that same general base, someone from the underdeveloped world would have something different on so many levels. I am fully aware that every human being has a different lens through which they see the world, but certainly lenses among people who have had similar experiences must have some similarity... and in keeping with that, lenses among people who've had totally different experiences must be totally different. Everybody who I'd be interacting with would be on a different page than me.
Yet that's too general a statement. Certainly we'd be on the same page in some instances- perhaps in our goals for my stay, or our desires for their community. We'd at least be in the same chapter, likely. Maybe not in specific goals or desires, but certainly in general ones, such as a better life... in whatever way it may be that I have the ability to make it so.
A better life. What an awful term. Even that is so subjective. My definition of a better life is likely unique to me. Almost definitely. The world is large and I'm sure there are some people who will come close if not hit right on the same as mine, but again... the people who do would likely be people who are very much like me. What do I know about what anybody else wants or needs... especially if I sometimes have trouble defining those things for myself? That's why the two year Peace Corps stint is so much better than a few months. And even two years is entirely too short to make any real difference, I feel.
Aaarrrgh, somehow that is the only word that I can use to fully express this. I can't articulate any of this the way I'd like to and I don't know what to do about it.
With so much time to think about it (i.e. having related real-life experiences and internships as well as more opportunity for meaningful conversation about my goals, instead of just classroom time, homework, and day-to-day chatter) I realize I'm really no further along in deciding what happens to me in September of this year than I was years ago. This frustrates me to no end.
Sure, I believe that everything is grace and that things will work out if I let them, but I'm still somehow not ready to let go a bit and relax and trust that what I want to come to me will. I think I'm also a bit afraid that once I manage to do so, if I do, I won't recognize the opportunity when it comes. I certainly didn't recognize my Girl Scout internship for all that it is at the time when I signed on to it. For me it was just a way to get the final requirement for graduation and I also happened to like working with kids and thought working in the inner city would be a good growth experience for me. But there were so many things I didn't think about- enough that had it not been for the necessity of having an internship, I'm quite sure I would have passed it up. What other opportunities have I passed up? Might I pass up simply from not being able to think as critically as I am able? Why is my critical thinking so selective these days?
The more I think about it, the more I concede to the Peace Corps being a great option for me, but maybe not right now. There's a large companionship piece that would be missing for me. Three months, fine. But two years I worry might break me, at least at this point in my life. I'd need some sort of companionship. Being so far away from everything and everyone I know would create such a huge emptiness in me. Perhaps Peace Corps would be a better option post-marriage... then you have to go together. Of course, that assumes not only that the man I end up married to has these key interests in common with me (which is not too much of a stretch) but also that he would be okay with/eager to spend a couple years abroad doing development work (which is maybe more of a stretch).
It's not that I don't think I'd build relationships while overseas, I nearly certainly would--but any that did arise would be limited in many ways. First the time limitation- in two years, it ends... at least in terms of the concrete. But I don't think that would be the biggest problem for me- it has been something I can work through with *relative* ease in the past. I think the biggest issues would be the differences in... everything. History. Future. Knowing all the things I have, all the opportunities before me, all the wonderful experiences in my past. While somebody in the developed world would have that same general base, someone from the underdeveloped world would have something different on so many levels. I am fully aware that every human being has a different lens through which they see the world, but certainly lenses among people who have had similar experiences must have some similarity... and in keeping with that, lenses among people who've had totally different experiences must be totally different. Everybody who I'd be interacting with would be on a different page than me.
Yet that's too general a statement. Certainly we'd be on the same page in some instances- perhaps in our goals for my stay, or our desires for their community. We'd at least be in the same chapter, likely. Maybe not in specific goals or desires, but certainly in general ones, such as a better life... in whatever way it may be that I have the ability to make it so.
A better life. What an awful term. Even that is so subjective. My definition of a better life is likely unique to me. Almost definitely. The world is large and I'm sure there are some people who will come close if not hit right on the same as mine, but again... the people who do would likely be people who are very much like me. What do I know about what anybody else wants or needs... especially if I sometimes have trouble defining those things for myself? That's why the two year Peace Corps stint is so much better than a few months. And even two years is entirely too short to make any real difference, I feel.
Aaarrrgh, somehow that is the only word that I can use to fully express this. I can't articulate any of this the way I'd like to and I don't know what to do about it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
