for the love of all things good, somebody turn off my brain

Last time I wrote, I was concerned about how selective my critical thinking was.

Now I can't turn it off.

I am questioning everything. Over and over and through and through, I am tearing apart every element of my life, past present and future. It's potentially getting to unhealthy levels.

My application for the Roadie Position with Invisible Children should be arriving in San Diego any day now, and the only way I can describe the feeling is this: Remember when you were a kid and you broke a rule while your parents were out? You'd sit there and know- you were safe until they come home, but as soon as they did... it was over. You'd have to face the wrath. It was that feeling of anticipation- knowing that for a certain amount of time, you didn't have to worry, because there was nothing that could be done one way or another. You didn't have to get all worried, because nothing was going to change what was about to happen... and still, you felt a certain uncalm. The end was near, in some way. That's how I feel about this application. Until they get it, I can totally get this job. But once they get it, they have the power to turn me down. I'm not saying that I think they definitely will or that I don't think I stand a chance... it's more that I want this more than anything-- and the fact that I have no power over it anymore scares the heck out of me. I'm vulnerable and exposed. And waiting. Waiting for a verdict that I feel somehow, someway... has already been released, and I just get to wait. It seems cruel when I think about it that way.