5 months since graduation, but the learning never stops.

As a general recap of my college career:

• Begin URI as a journalism major.
• Become afraid of the rigidity of the curriculum and gen eds being too specific, switch to English major.
• realize I'm totally noncommittal.
  
• Realize there's not much I can do with an English major, add Elementary Education.
• Realize I only really like the little little kids, switch to Early Childhood Education.
• Realize that the ECE major is really a double major in and of itself, drop English to a minor.
• Decide I don't really want to teach, drop the Education portion of the ECE double major: Education/HDF.
• See Invisible Children and become passionate about children affected by the war in Northern Uganda.
• Meet Bryn and realize that International Development is a thing and that I am really passionate about that.
• Add minor in International Development.
• Realize I have potential in the field of photography.
• Travel to Italy for a photography course.
• Realize I am a total pushover and pull a 180.
• Start non-profit chapter with friends and learn how difficult it is.
• And learn how awesome it is.
• Decide to work in International Development.
• Apply to a million jobs in ID and community development, including totally sweet IC job that I'm sure was meant to be.
  
• Graduate.

And since then:

• Travel to Newfoundland
• Learn a lot about self and priorities.
  
• End up practically running a camp I was supposed to just be a counselor at.
• Learn a lot about improvisation and leadership.
• Learn how to get my way.
• Learn my limits.
• Learn that the totally sweet IC job wasn't meant to be.
  
• Search for a job in Canada.
• Realize I am still way noncommittal.
  
• Apply for a job at a sweet Early Learning Center.
• Travel to Canada
• Cook up plan to travel the world
• Decide to actually go ahead with plan
• Settle for subbing at above mentioned Early Learning Center, to earn money for above mentioned trip.
• Learn a lot more about my age preferences and confidence in the classroom
  
• Realize I really did want to teach.

Damn it all.

I am still alive.

Oh how long it has been. All the events of the past few months (graduation being the first of a long series of them) created a Meg that had no functioning brain. Sure, it reminded my lungs to accept oxygen and reject carbon dioxide and it told my heart to pump the blood through my body, but that's about as far as it went- it turned itself off otherwise as a defense mechanism. If it didn't think, I didn't have to face all the instability of my life. Which means that in the past couple of weeks, with my brain booting up again, I've been overloading on everything.
I turned to my surefire-jumpstart mode; I jerked myself out of my home environment and dropped myself down in another country. And I put myself in the same apartment as the one other person in this hemisphere who most frequently, in many ways outside of the physical, is in the same place as me. And I am opening up again. And though in some ways it is painful, it is a sweet release, and I feel alive again. So hooray for that, and I promise to be back soon with everything that comes of it all.

for the love of all things good, somebody turn off my brain

Last time I wrote, I was concerned about how selective my critical thinking was.

Now I can't turn it off.

I am questioning everything. Over and over and through and through, I am tearing apart every element of my life, past present and future. It's potentially getting to unhealthy levels.

My application for the Roadie Position with Invisible Children should be arriving in San Diego any day now, and the only way I can describe the feeling is this: Remember when you were a kid and you broke a rule while your parents were out? You'd sit there and know- you were safe until they come home, but as soon as they did... it was over. You'd have to face the wrath. It was that feeling of anticipation- knowing that for a certain amount of time, you didn't have to worry, because there was nothing that could be done one way or another. You didn't have to get all worried, because nothing was going to change what was about to happen... and still, you felt a certain uncalm. The end was near, in some way. That's how I feel about this application. Until they get it, I can totally get this job. But once they get it, they have the power to turn me down. I'm not saying that I think they definitely will or that I don't think I stand a chance... it's more that I want this more than anything-- and the fact that I have no power over it anymore scares the heck out of me. I'm vulnerable and exposed. And waiting. Waiting for a verdict that I feel somehow, someway... has already been released, and I just get to wait. It seems cruel when I think about it that way.

a little venting, if you will allow it

O Future, why must you be so annoyingly upon me?

With so much time to think about it (i.e. having related real-life experiences and internships as well as more opportunity for meaningful conversation about my goals, instead of just classroom time, homework, and day-to-day chatter) I realize I'm really no further along in deciding what happens to me in September of this year than I was years ago. This frustrates me to no end.

Sure, I believe that everything is grace and that things will work out if I let them, but I'm still somehow not ready to let go a bit and relax and trust that what I want to come to me will. I think I'm also a bit afraid that once I manage to do so, if I do, I won't recognize the opportunity when it comes. I certainly didn't recognize my Girl Scout internship for all that it is at the time when I signed on to it. For me it was just a way to get the final requirement for graduation and I also happened to like working with kids and thought working in the inner city would be a good growth experience for me. But there were so many things I didn't think about- enough that had it not been for the necessity of having an internship, I'm quite sure I would have passed it up. What other opportunities have I passed up? Might I pass up simply from not being able to think as critically as I am able? Why is my critical thinking so selective these days?

The more I think about it, the more I concede to the Peace Corps being a great option for me, but maybe not right now. There's a large companionship piece that would be missing for me. Three months, fine. But two years I worry might break me, at least at this point in my life. I'd need some sort of companionship. Being so far away from everything and everyone I know would create such a huge emptiness in me. Perhaps Peace Corps would be a better option post-marriage... then you have to go together. Of course, that assumes not only that the man I end up married to has these key interests in common with me (which is not too much of a stretch) but also that he would be okay with/eager to spend a couple years abroad doing development work (which is maybe more of a stretch).

It's not that I don't think I'd build relationships while overseas, I nearly certainly would--but any that did arise would be limited in many ways. First the time limitation- in two years, it ends... at least in terms of the concrete. But I don't think that would be the biggest problem for me- it has been something I can work through with *relative* ease in the past. I think the biggest issues would be the differences in... everything. History. Future. Knowing all the things I have, all the opportunities before me, all the wonderful experiences in my past. While somebody in the developed world would have that same general base, someone from the underdeveloped world would have something different on so many levels. I am fully aware that every human being has a different lens through which they see the world, but certainly lenses among people who have had similar experiences must have some similarity... and in keeping with that, lenses among people who've had totally different experiences must be totally different. Everybody who I'd be interacting with would be on a different page than me.

Yet that's too general a statement. Certainly we'd be on the same page in some instances- perhaps in our goals for my stay, or our desires for their community. We'd at least be in the same chapter, likely. Maybe not in specific goals or desires, but certainly in general ones, such as a better life... in whatever way it may be that I have the ability to make it so.

A better life. What an awful term. Even that is so subjective. My definition of a better life is likely unique to me. Almost definitely. The world is large and I'm sure there are some people who will come close if not hit right on the same as mine, but again... the people who do would likely be people who are very much like me. What do I know about what anybody else wants or needs... especially if I sometimes have trouble defining those things for myself? That's why the two year Peace Corps stint is so much better than a few months. And even two years is entirely too short to make any real difference, I feel.

Aaarrrgh, somehow that is the only word that I can use to fully express this. I can't articulate any of this the way I'd like to and I don't know what to do about it.

So maybe I'm not going to work for IC after all. (Do not be deceived. I will probably work with IC for as long as IC exists.) The Peace Corps has always been an option in the back of my mind, but upon evaluating and reevaluating and actually being serious about my options for post-college life, it is definitely the most potentially rewarding option. It's a 27 month commitment, and I don't get to decide where I go (although I do get to state my preference)... so it's clearly the most terrifying option... but as a good friend consistently reminds me, you're never truly living unless you're in a state of discomfort. And it's so true. Upon realizing that, I knew what it was I had to do. I'm not going to spend thousands to go to the place of my choosing for a little while to do a very specific, directed, repeated, generic job that I choose based on my own wants. That gives me very little to live and to learn... and even less to help. Peace Corps it is... wish me luck!

"Don't get too involved with IC. It will ruin your life.... but in the best possible way."

Laren said that at the conference, and it is probably the truest thing I've ever heard. I can't get away from it lately, because we've been away from school so there's been a lot less IC/S4S stuff to be doing, and I'm going through withdrawal. I've spent two years being involved and six months being totally immersed in it, and now I'm just dying to get started again. I'm applying for a fall GO internship and also the next roadie group, I've got big plans for the underground-army national-event (now accepting volunteers for help... this is going to be a huge job), there's so much to be done with the IIS project, I've got so many screenings I want to do, there's the benefit concert, the roadies are coming back in March!.... and in this exact moment in time, there's nothing concrete I can do about any of this. raaahr!

I'm officially out of the running for the HERO awards. It was disappointing at first, but it shouldn't be. I am, after all, officially a bronze HERO, which makes me one of IC's top 100- and that's really freakin' cool. Sure, I don't get a plaque, or a free trip to DC, or a free trip to Uganda, but top 100 isn't bad.... it's not bad at all.

Why I need to volunteer abroad

Even though it is at least a half a year away, I know that the more I'm aware of wanting to learn before I volunteer abroad, the better chance I have of learning it. I needed to set something at least resembling goals... so here they are.

• Education about International Development means nothing without the experience to back it up. A formal, classroom education is not going to teach me what it means to be a citizen of the third world. Living it is the only thing that can even bring me close to that.
• I will be terrified before I leave, and there is the possibility of danger once there. That these are facts are reasons to go. It will cause discomfort, and that is why I need to go. When something makes you uncomfortable, you have to ask yourself why. When you know why, then you can begin to learn about it, and only after you have learned as much as you can about it can you begin to really do anything worthwhile about it.
• I can raise all the money that I want, I can tell all the people that I want, I can do all the research that I want, but what do I really know? Having been there, I will have more credibility when I spread the word. I can say, “I know these things because I’ve seen it, first hand. I’ve tried to live it.”
• As globally minded as I claim to be and hope to be, I live a very selfish lifestyle. I can’t fully appreciate everything I am so lucky to have until I have been without. Despite being cognizant of how much I have and how little the “underdeveloped” world has, I still want: I want that camera, I want that jacket, I want that ice cream…
• I can’t help but think that there’s something (or, more likely, many things) that we don’t know. So many impoverished people still manage to find so much joy in their lives—so I believe that while they deserve a more comfortable lifestyle if they wish it, and they deserve their basic human rights… we have at least as much, if not more, to learn from them as we can possibly teach them.
• Finally... and this is one of my own selfish and probably idealistic reasons: It will break and make me. It will break my heart... but it will make my life. Make my life what? I don't know. That's why I need to go.

Au revoir!